Dear Sir or Madam,

I started a new job this week. Encountering new people is always an adventure. I'm finding that everyone is really nice, and even though I sometimes feel that I'm swimming in mud, I think I'll find my feet before too long. This week has been such an emotional roller coaster. I didn't cry today! Haha. Monday I cried because I felt really overwhelmed at Convocation because I showed up and didn't have a clue as to where I needed to be, what I was supposed to be wearing, and who I was supposed to be looking for. Tuesday I cried because I hit my head on the corner of an open cabinet. Today, there were no tears and I was so relieved.

Something that I always find interesting is people's reactions to respect from a peer. I'm one of several Educational Assistants at my school and one of my coworkers, who happens to be older than I am, has been really helpful and on Tuesday he told me that if I needed anything I should let him know. I said, "Thank you, sir," and he stopped dead in his tracks and told me that I didn't need to call him sir because we were on the same level. This same type of thing happened to me a few weeks ago with a coworker who I was pretty close to at my last job.
All of this makes me wonder why my mom worked so hard to teach my sisters and I to show respect to our elders and even our peers. I was taught never to call my adult relatives by their first names only, always to say ma'am or sir, please and thank you.
Why is a society that is so focused on tolerance and acceptance and equal treatment seeming to run away screaming from politeness and respect? What do you think? If you have kids, what are you teaching them? What did your parents teach you? If you were raised like me, tell me what you think. If not, please explain your point of view! I want to know what you're thinking about this!

Contentment

Here's a question for the general public: If you're satisfied with where you are and what you have, do you constantly wonder what else is out there? If you love your job, do you think about leaving it to do something else that pays better or has better prospects for advancement? If you're happy with your body image, do you spend time wishing you looked more like someone else? If you're completely in love with your significant other, do you wonder what it would be like to either be single or be with someone else?

I know those questions are really dumb, because the answer to all of them is NO. Of course not! When you're satisfied in your job, family, yourself and most importantly, in Christ you don't need to go chasing the wind. But I find that's what I want to do in so many cases... I want practically any job but my own, I want my tummy to look more like Britney's than Betty White's, etc.

Sometimes, I know that discontentment can be used as a means of motivation. I'm unhappy with my current weight, so I must change my eating and exercise habits. I'm unhappy with my job, so I must go back to school and get my teaching certification. I'm unsure of my relationship, so I must pursue a relationship that is centered around God.

But what if my general discontentment is merely a sign of a lack in my relationship with the Lord? Is this discontentment a nudge from God to say, "Come sit with Me and listen to My will."? I suppose doing that would help clarify everything... Duh.

Sometimes I feel so far away and so devoid of hope. In fact, I feel that way much of the time. Most of the time I can ignore it by thinking of nothing at all, but what kind of life is this? It is not the full and abundant life Christ promises... It's not really life at all. I want to thrive and grow and be joyful again, but it's as if I've forgotten how. And I can say this here, in cyberspace where I know it is unlikely to be read, but those around me are unaware of the depth of this pain. I try to keep it hidden, mostly by inadvertently avoiding those who can read me too well...

It's a strange place to be, wanting help, but not knowing how to ask for it or if I'd be able to take it if it were offered. That all boils down to my laziness and pride. I want this to be rectified quickly, but it's not a quick-fix problem. It's going to take time and effort and right now I don't know if I want to exert the necessary effort. I'm so tired... I don't know if I have the drive to change right now, and that scares me and makes me feel even more hopeless.

I have no answer.

Late-Night Musings

It's much too late for me to be up blogging. Because when I stay up too late looking at the Facebooks of people I used to know, I get sad. I feel disconnected and out of touch. I feel like I haven't done what I could have done and wonder how everyone else ended up somewhere different. I wonder if they're all as happy as they seem, even though they're living completely different lives than they were the last time I spoke to them...

So tell me... Are you as happy as you seem? And why are you so happy? In what is it that you find joy and fulfillment? I really want to know how you're making it work. What is it that you've found that seems to avoid me like the plague? Perhaps it's merely stability. Perhaps it is contentment in who you are and what you are doing. Perhaps it's something I'm missing so completely that I can't even guess what it is.

You know the funniest part about this whole thing? At one point, I had it too. And I've lost it somewhere along the way. I'm not sure where, because as I look back at the last few years of my life, I realize that I've become more self-confident (and more self-centered), I've become more comfortable with my appearance (bordering on vanity), I've grown as a person (but maybe in the wrong direction)... And how do you find something when you don't even know when or where you put it down in favor of something you didn't really need?

If you're out there, and you're reading this, please take a moment to tell me why you're happy. What gives you joy?

Maybe I'm avoiding the obvious... Maybe I know what I need to do in order to be content... Maybe I'm just too comfortable wallowing in my own self-absorbed pity party to do anything about it. Because change involves work. And work is hard and requires effort... And who wants to exert effort? Not I, apparently.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped living loudly in light of the Truth. And I think that's my problem. At this point, I'm not even sure that I'm really living. Just wasting time until it's over.

But what kind of life is that?? Waiting for it to be over? If I continue in this pattern, one day, it will be over and I will have missed out on all that could have been. I will have missed out on realizing the dreams and purpose I am here to realize.

Oh Lord help me! Show me what to do, where to go, who to become. I never used to be afraid because I knew that You were in control. But I've begun to doubt that and I've begun to live as though You didn't. And if I don't believe You are then what am I living for? Why am I here? I don't understand how my friends and co-workers who don't know You live on a daily basis. I need You. And yet I persist in running from You... I make no sense, even to myself. I need to be consistent, honest and trustworthy. Not only to those around me but to myself and even more so to You. God, I don't know where to go. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice and so month after month, I sit and don't make any choice, becoming stale and stagnant... choking and dying, losing the will to live. I need the courage to make a decision, right or wrong... At least if I make the wrong decision, I will have done something and will have to do something else to undo it!

Again I say, oh Lord, help me.

Failure-ish?

Failure-ish... is that even a word? Dang, I even fail at that.

Just kidding, I'm not quite that down on myself today. Maybe tomorrow though....
So I just need to vent. Today I am feeling like a total failure. I am 22 years old, halfway to 23 and I have no college degree (although I do have almost 60 hours of credit), I still live at home with my mom and grandparents and sisters, and I have not one, but two dead end jobs, neither of which I particularly love.... And now I want to cry.

I hate that I'm feeling this way, mostly because of what has brought this on. Last night I received adn e-mail from a friend that I graduated with. He has since graduated from A&M, spent a semester doing missions in Senegal and is getting ready to go through yet another discipleship program before he heads off to be a missionary. This morning I saw on Facebook that one of the girls that I was good friends with in high school had her first baby this week. On Monday, I heard from another of my high school friends who finished his training at CFNI and is living his call as a youth pastor in Kansas. As I type, I'm reminded of my best friend, who loves her job, her husband and her son.

I'm not trying to paint my friends' lives in a rosy light. I know that each one has their struggles. And I'm not saying that I wish that I was where they are. What I am saying is that I wish I was not where I am. Yes, there are certain aspects of my life that I love and am very happy with, but on the whole, I feel like I have nothing to show for my 22.5 years on this planet. I have accomplished nothing that I want to accomplish and if I don't get on the ball, I'm going to look up and I'll be 30 years old, still just barely squeaking by, without a degree, working at a job I couldn't care for less. And that scares me to death.


*sigh*
Happy Wendesday... yeesh.

A day in the life of a waitress

So. I had a thought the other day. There are tons of reality shows. There are shows about finding love, shows about chasing a dream, shows about being a backstabber... Then I thought about the new movie, that I have not yet seen: Julie & Julia. The plot is a joint story about Julia Childs and a woman who cooks through her cookbook and blogs about it. Then I thought about the fact that I have a blog, but I don't use it very often. Then it came to me: Why hasn't anyone ever decided to do a reality show about the lives of waiters and waitresses? (Or to be more politically correct, servers.) So then I decided that I would begin to blog about some of the exploits I have on the floor of the restaurant I work for. Who knows? Maybe it will be interesting and maybe Lifetime will buy it for a miniseries. And maybe pigs will fly.

Tuesday, July 27, 2009

I showed up to work 30 minutes early, thankful that traffic had not been as bad as I'd thought it would be. My new slip-resistant shoes slid off of my feet with every step that I took and I worried that by the end of my shift, I'd have blisters bigger than Sasquatch. After sitting in my car for 25 minutes, I finally made my way inside the restaurant, to be greeted by no less than 6 of my coworkers gathered around J*, who had fashioned a pair of balls out of bread dough. Charming. I think I rolled my eyes at J, who has been threatening to kiss me "square on the mouth" for my attitude. He has yet to get close, and if he does, I will slap him.
After washing my hands and clocking in, I got to work. I kept greeting people by saying "Good morning!" even though it was after 5:30. So I got laughed at a few times.

At this point, I realize that my dayjob really isn't all that exciting and I really shouldn't bore you with the rest of my shift. But you may take comfort in knowing that my new shoes didn't e=give me blisters. Yay!

*Names changed to protect the somewhat innocent.

What's in a name?

So. How is everyone? I'm going to guess that since it's been months since I posted, no one is reading this. But hey, I'm going to stick with it, and maybe someday, the world will know my name! Just kidding. I don't really want the world to know my name. Which brings me to my point for this post: names. What does yours mean? Do you know? Do you care? Does it matter at all?

To be quite honest, I'm not sure. I love the concept of names and the meanings behind them. I want to give my children very meaningful names. I think, though, that a name will not have much affect on a child unless he knows what it means. Take me, for example, my name means "nobility." Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think that I am particularly noble. However, look at Jabez, his name actually was a word meaning "he who brings pain." And everyone knew it! You wanna talk about an inferiority complex?? Goodness gracious. The man is recorded as having prayed that God's hand would be upon him so that he wouldn't cause pain!

I think that meaningful names are a lost art. These days we have celebrities naming their children things like "Apple" and "Lyric" and "Ireland". And you know what? I think that these children just might have some issues with their names. Because these children are named with simple words that they know the meanings of. Unfortunately, these names don't have much substance behind the meaning, but still.

William Shakespeare once wrote, "A rose by any other name still smells as sweet." It appears he would have thought that a name means nothing. And by today's standards... I tend to agree with him, though I really would like to change that for my children... I want to give them names that have deep meaning, and I want them to know it from the moment the names are given to them. Perhaps this is an out-dated and romantic idea... But who cares? :-)

Rambling......................

Ever hear the Rascal Flatt's song "Too Good Is True"? I've decided it's all a feel-good ruse. :-)

So, it's been a while since I've updated this thing. Between being a college student and waiting tables, I don't have a whole lot of extra time on my hands... Even my Facebook usage has dwindled alarmingly...

Life on this side of Christmas break has slowed... I only have one more paper to write for school, and I've read all but one book that I've been assigned to read. Yay me.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching and bringing with it all the festivity of the holiday season. I saw a sign in someones yard the other day. It said, "Happy Turkey Day!" That irked me, as I'm sure it does every believer who knows that the fourth Thursday in November is about so much more than turkey, green bean casserole and pumpkin pie. As I drove past that sign in my frustrated state of mind, I realized that it had been a while since I'd slowed down to ponder everything that I have to be thankful for, and it occurred to me that I complain on a fairly regular basis. I don't want to be that person... We all know someone like her, the person who never has anything good to say because she's too busy complaining about the fact that boys are stupid or that gas prices are astronomical or that she'd really rather not go to work... I think I'm becoming that person though. And no one has proverbally slapped me for it yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happens soon.

So, even in the midst of my almost-the-end-of-the-semester-semi-depression, I want to remember that I am blessed beyond measure. That I am bought with the blood of Christ, that my Father has, does and always will take care of me, that I have friends who love me even when I foolishly taper off my time with them to spend it with a boy, that my family loves me and wants me to be around, that my tuition is taken care of, that I have a job, that I don't go hungry, that I have the ability to sing, that the sun is shining and I'm not dead. :-)

If you actually read this, bless you. I'm sure you could find something better to do with your time though! :-) Until next time, I do pray that God will bless your life as richly as He has mine.

Soli deo gloria!
~Allison~