Friday, December 18, 2009

Late-Night Musings

It's much too late for me to be up blogging. Because when I stay up too late looking at the Facebooks of people I used to know, I get sad. I feel disconnected and out of touch. I feel like I haven't done what I could have done and wonder how everyone else ended up somewhere different. I wonder if they're all as happy as they seem, even though they're living completely different lives than they were the last time I spoke to them...

So tell me... Are you as happy as you seem? And why are you so happy? In what is it that you find joy and fulfillment? I really want to know how you're making it work. What is it that you've found that seems to avoid me like the plague? Perhaps it's merely stability. Perhaps it is contentment in who you are and what you are doing. Perhaps it's something I'm missing so completely that I can't even guess what it is.

You know the funniest part about this whole thing? At one point, I had it too. And I've lost it somewhere along the way. I'm not sure where, because as I look back at the last few years of my life, I realize that I've become more self-confident (and more self-centered), I've become more comfortable with my appearance (bordering on vanity), I've grown as a person (but maybe in the wrong direction)... And how do you find something when you don't even know when or where you put it down in favor of something you didn't really need?

If you're out there, and you're reading this, please take a moment to tell me why you're happy. What gives you joy?

Maybe I'm avoiding the obvious... Maybe I know what I need to do in order to be content... Maybe I'm just too comfortable wallowing in my own self-absorbed pity party to do anything about it. Because change involves work. And work is hard and requires effort... And who wants to exert effort? Not I, apparently.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped living loudly in light of the Truth. And I think that's my problem. At this point, I'm not even sure that I'm really living. Just wasting time until it's over.

But what kind of life is that?? Waiting for it to be over? If I continue in this pattern, one day, it will be over and I will have missed out on all that could have been. I will have missed out on realizing the dreams and purpose I am here to realize.

Oh Lord help me! Show me what to do, where to go, who to become. I never used to be afraid because I knew that You were in control. But I've begun to doubt that and I've begun to live as though You didn't. And if I don't believe You are then what am I living for? Why am I here? I don't understand how my friends and co-workers who don't know You live on a daily basis. I need You. And yet I persist in running from You... I make no sense, even to myself. I need to be consistent, honest and trustworthy. Not only to those around me but to myself and even more so to You. God, I don't know where to go. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice and so month after month, I sit and don't make any choice, becoming stale and stagnant... choking and dying, losing the will to live. I need the courage to make a decision, right or wrong... At least if I make the wrong decision, I will have done something and will have to do something else to undo it!

Again I say, oh Lord, help me.