Friday, December 18, 2009

Late-Night Musings

It's much too late for me to be up blogging. Because when I stay up too late looking at the Facebooks of people I used to know, I get sad. I feel disconnected and out of touch. I feel like I haven't done what I could have done and wonder how everyone else ended up somewhere different. I wonder if they're all as happy as they seem, even though they're living completely different lives than they were the last time I spoke to them...

So tell me... Are you as happy as you seem? And why are you so happy? In what is it that you find joy and fulfillment? I really want to know how you're making it work. What is it that you've found that seems to avoid me like the plague? Perhaps it's merely stability. Perhaps it is contentment in who you are and what you are doing. Perhaps it's something I'm missing so completely that I can't even guess what it is.

You know the funniest part about this whole thing? At one point, I had it too. And I've lost it somewhere along the way. I'm not sure where, because as I look back at the last few years of my life, I realize that I've become more self-confident (and more self-centered), I've become more comfortable with my appearance (bordering on vanity), I've grown as a person (but maybe in the wrong direction)... And how do you find something when you don't even know when or where you put it down in favor of something you didn't really need?

If you're out there, and you're reading this, please take a moment to tell me why you're happy. What gives you joy?

Maybe I'm avoiding the obvious... Maybe I know what I need to do in order to be content... Maybe I'm just too comfortable wallowing in my own self-absorbed pity party to do anything about it. Because change involves work. And work is hard and requires effort... And who wants to exert effort? Not I, apparently.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped living loudly in light of the Truth. And I think that's my problem. At this point, I'm not even sure that I'm really living. Just wasting time until it's over.

But what kind of life is that?? Waiting for it to be over? If I continue in this pattern, one day, it will be over and I will have missed out on all that could have been. I will have missed out on realizing the dreams and purpose I am here to realize.

Oh Lord help me! Show me what to do, where to go, who to become. I never used to be afraid because I knew that You were in control. But I've begun to doubt that and I've begun to live as though You didn't. And if I don't believe You are then what am I living for? Why am I here? I don't understand how my friends and co-workers who don't know You live on a daily basis. I need You. And yet I persist in running from You... I make no sense, even to myself. I need to be consistent, honest and trustworthy. Not only to those around me but to myself and even more so to You. God, I don't know where to go. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice and so month after month, I sit and don't make any choice, becoming stale and stagnant... choking and dying, losing the will to live. I need the courage to make a decision, right or wrong... At least if I make the wrong decision, I will have done something and will have to do something else to undo it!

Again I say, oh Lord, help me.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Failure-ish... is that even a word? Dang, I even fail at that.

Just kidding, I'm not quite that down on myself today. Maybe tomorrow though....
So I just need to vent. Today I am feeling like a total failure. I am 22 years old, halfway to 23 and I have no college degree (although I do have almost 60 hours of credit), I still live at home with my mom and grandparents and sisters, and I have not one, but two dead end jobs, neither of which I particularly love.... And now I want to cry.

I hate that I'm feeling this way, mostly because of what has brought this on. Last night I received adn e-mail from a friend that I graduated with. He has since graduated from A&M, spent a semester doing missions in Senegal and is getting ready to go through yet another discipleship program before he heads off to be a missionary. This morning I saw on Facebook that one of the girls that I was good friends with in high school had her first baby this week. On Monday, I heard from another of my high school friends who finished his training at CFNI and is living his call as a youth pastor in Kansas. As I type, I'm reminded of my best friend, who loves her job, her husband and her son.

I'm not trying to paint my friends' lives in a rosy light. I know that each one has their struggles. And I'm not saying that I wish that I was where they are. What I am saying is that I wish I was not where I am. Yes, there are certain aspects of my life that I love and am very happy with, but on the whole, I feel like I have nothing to show for my 22.5 years on this planet. I have accomplished nothing that I want to accomplish and if I don't get on the ball, I'm going to look up and I'll be 30 years old, still just barely squeaking by, without a degree, working at a job I couldn't care for less. And that scares me to death.

Happy Wendesday... yeesh.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

A day in the life of a waitress

So. I had a thought the other day. There are tons of reality shows. There are shows about finding love, shows about chasing a dream, shows about being a backstabber... Then I thought about the new movie, that I have not yet seen: Julie & Julia. The plot is a joint story about Julia Childs and a woman who cooks through her cookbook and blogs about it. Then I thought about the fact that I have a blog, but I don't use it very often. Then it came to me: Why hasn't anyone ever decided to do a reality show about the lives of waiters and waitresses? (Or to be more politically correct, servers.) So then I decided that I would begin to blog about some of the exploits I have on the floor of the restaurant I work for. Who knows? Maybe it will be interesting and maybe Lifetime will buy it for a miniseries. And maybe pigs will fly.

Tuesday, July 27, 2009

I showed up to work 30 minutes early, thankful that traffic had not been as bad as I'd thought it would be. My new slip-resistant shoes slid off of my feet with every step that I took and I worried that by the end of my shift, I'd have blisters bigger than Sasquatch. After sitting in my car for 25 minutes, I finally made my way inside the restaurant, to be greeted by no less than 6 of my coworkers gathered around J*, who had fashioned a pair of balls out of bread dough. Charming. I think I rolled my eyes at J, who has been threatening to kiss me "square on the mouth" for my attitude. He has yet to get close, and if he does, I will slap him.
After washing my hands and clocking in, I got to work. I kept greeting people by saying "Good morning!" even though it was after 5:30. So I got laughed at a few times.

At this point, I realize that my dayjob really isn't all that exciting and I really shouldn't bore you with the rest of my shift. But you may take comfort in knowing that my new shoes didn't e=give me blisters. Yay!

*Names changed to protect the somewhat innocent.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

What's in a name?

So. How is everyone? I'm going to guess that since it's been months since I posted, no one is reading this. But hey, I'm going to stick with it, and maybe someday, the world will know my name! Just kidding. I don't really want the world to know my name. Which brings me to my point for this post: names. What does yours mean? Do you know? Do you care? Does it matter at all?

To be quite honest, I'm not sure. I love the concept of names and the meanings behind them. I want to give my children very meaningful names. I think, though, that a name will not have much affect on a child unless he knows what it means. Take me, for example, my name means "nobility." Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think that I am particularly noble. However, look at Jabez, his name actually was a word meaning "he who brings pain." And everyone knew it! You wanna talk about an inferiority complex?? Goodness gracious. The man is recorded as having prayed that God's hand would be upon him so that he wouldn't cause pain!

I think that meaningful names are a lost art. These days we have celebrities naming their children things like "Apple" and "Lyric" and "Ireland". And you know what? I think that these children just might have some issues with their names. Because these children are named with simple words that they know the meanings of. Unfortunately, these names don't have much substance behind the meaning, but still.

William Shakespeare once wrote, "A rose by any other name still smells as sweet." It appears he would have thought that a name means nothing. And by today's standards... I tend to agree with him, though I really would like to change that for my children... I want to give them names that have deep meaning, and I want them to know it from the moment the names are given to them. Perhaps this is an out-dated and romantic idea... But who cares? :-)