Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Here's a question for the general public: If you're satisfied with where you are and what you have, do you constantly wonder what else is out there? If you love your job, do you think about leaving it to do something else that pays better or has better prospects for advancement? If you're happy with your body image, do you spend time wishing you looked more like someone else? If you're completely in love with your significant other, do you wonder what it would be like to either be single or be with someone else?

I know those questions are really dumb, because the answer to all of them is NO. Of course not! When you're satisfied in your job, family, yourself and most importantly, in Christ you don't need to go chasing the wind. But I find that's what I want to do in so many cases... I want practically any job but my own, I want my tummy to look more like Britney's than Betty White's, etc.

Sometimes, I know that discontentment can be used as a means of motivation. I'm unhappy with my current weight, so I must change my eating and exercise habits. I'm unhappy with my job, so I must go back to school and get my teaching certification. I'm unsure of my relationship, so I must pursue a relationship that is centered around God.

But what if my general discontentment is merely a sign of a lack in my relationship with the Lord? Is this discontentment a nudge from God to say, "Come sit with Me and listen to My will."? I suppose doing that would help clarify everything... Duh.

Sometimes I feel so far away and so devoid of hope. In fact, I feel that way much of the time. Most of the time I can ignore it by thinking of nothing at all, but what kind of life is this? It is not the full and abundant life Christ promises... It's not really life at all. I want to thrive and grow and be joyful again, but it's as if I've forgotten how. And I can say this here, in cyberspace where I know it is unlikely to be read, but those around me are unaware of the depth of this pain. I try to keep it hidden, mostly by inadvertently avoiding those who can read me too well...

It's a strange place to be, wanting help, but not knowing how to ask for it or if I'd be able to take it if it were offered. That all boils down to my laziness and pride. I want this to be rectified quickly, but it's not a quick-fix problem. It's going to take time and effort and right now I don't know if I want to exert the necessary effort. I'm so tired... I don't know if I have the drive to change right now, and that scares me and makes me feel even more hopeless.

I have no answer.

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